Identity

So I thought seriously about starting over with the whole blog thing. Almost everything in my life has changed since I last wrote and it seemed easier to just begin again since I’m pretty sure no one even read my first two.

But here I am, 9 months later….let me fill you in a bit.

I am no longer single, but married to that wonderful boyfriend I mentioned in my very first blog. We’ve actually been married for over 3 months now, which is just crazy.

I am no longer a student, but a teacher funny enough. Of 2 year olds. Scary I know.

I am no longer a Florida resident…for the first time in my life. Now I call North Carolina home.

I realize I only listed 3 changes, but they are most certainly big ones. And with those 3 changes came a plethora of smaller ones, ones that I wasn’t so prepared for.

Since being married I have been thinking of blogging “again”, because in all honesty I’ve had a hard time adjusting to all the change. I think writing everything out will help, though I balk a bit at sharing this with all of cyberspace.

Marriage has been great. I love Jesse so much and know the Lord placed us together. I love going to sleep beside him and waking up to him. I love taking care of our home. I love that it’s our home. But going from fairly independent, goal driven, and self-reliant, to daily sharing and depending and being tied to another person in a very permanent way has been overwhelming to me. I have been faced with the reality that I am far more selfish than I previously thought. Far more prideful. And far more focused on what I want and need than I should be.

The Lord has been gracious in showing me the sin in my heart, but changing these patterns and thought processes is the hard part. What has been most humbling is that marriage is what brought about this realization…when truthfully these patterns have been there for years. Before we were married, so many friends encouraged us to remember marriage is about holiness, not happiness. Didn’t know that truth would become so immediately apparent in my life.

*Disclaimer: I am not saying that independence and being goal driven is sinful, but the motives behind those things can be and finding one’s identity in those character traits, instead of Jesus Christ, most definitely is sinful.

Going from student to working full time (well, I actually work 2 part time jobs) has been challenging. It seems I found my identity far more in my role as student than most anything else. I think I knew that, but thought I was past it. I wasn’t. I’m not. This has proved to be quite possibly the most challenging part of being married.

I have been overwhelmed, frustrated, and dumbfounded by my role as a preschool teacher. Who knew teaching 2 year olds could be so challenging? I certainly did not. And you know what? I hate not being good at it. I am a perfectionist and pride myself in doing whatever I do well. It seems I just happened to always pick things I was naturally good at. Not this time.

Finally, about the state residency change… This seems like no big deal to some, but this signified a huge change in my life. Not only did my name change, but even my license plate seemingly points to the “fact” that I’m not me anymore.  Now before you write this off as a dramatic statement, and believe me I know it is one, just stick with me….

So much recent change has led to a stripping of the identity I held so tightly. I never would have admitted to such a reliance on all of these things, until they were all taken. I had forgotten to WHOM I belong. I had forgotten that being a child of God is the most important part of who I am.

My identity has remained constant since I made a commitment to place Jesus as Lord of my life when I was 8 years old. But I haven’t been acting like His, instead I’ve been treating my life as if it were mine. And it just isn’t.

Marriage didn’t change that. Working full time didn’t change that. My name and state doesn’t dictate this. But in God’s grace, He has allowed me to face all these changes in order to bring me back to Himself.

I am still working on it. Believe me, there are days when the tears flow and the frustration of change is overwhelming. But the Lord is faithful and I’m not alone. He is holding my hand. He has graciously given me a sweet husband who is patient and loving. He has placed us in a small group full of awesome brothers and sisters who pray for and encourage me. And for that, I am so thankful.

Lies, All Lies

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. 

                           (John 10:10 ESV)

Do you ever feel like you believe lies? I'm talking about statements that you know are not true. But for some reason you have the hardest time not believing them. I've been believing lots of lies the last couple of days. And I know they aren't true. I know that they're actually in direct opposition to the truth. So why do I believe them? Why do I struggle to cling to truth in the midst of them?

I'm convinced that Satan will do anything to steal the joy we have in Christ. He hates me. He hates you. And he wants nothing more than to see us defeated and loathing ourselves. Yet the brain knowledge of these things doesn't always transfer to the heart. I still find myself believing that "I'm not good enough", "I'm not pretty enough", "I'm not worthy of love", "I'm a screwup", "I'm guilty". And the truth is, all these things are true apart from Christ. I have nothing but filthy rags to offer in the face of an infinite, loving, just, and almighty God. Then God looks at me and says, "You're covered by the blood of my Son's sacrifice."

I want to rest in that truth. I want to find peace amidst voices screaming at me to "try harder", "do better". Because apart from Christ, it doesn't matter how hard I try. Or how much "better" I become. It could never be enough. However, in Christ I am a new creation. I am whole. I am deserving. I am valuable. I am loved. And that is enough. Nothing in this world can separate me from the love of Christ. I stand clean and holy before the Father.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us....

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

(Romans 8:31-34, 38-39 ESV)

My very first blog...

So I have pondered writing a blog for sometime. Yet, I hadn’t been inspired up to this point to actually do it. Why now, you ask? Well I think I just need to write things out. This could be dangerous as I am notorious for thinking way too much about everything. Or. It could be brilliant. I guess you’ll find out. But we’ll take this one step at a time.

I don’t know exactly what I’ll be writing about, but I have a very strong feeling that the topics will be varied and random and probably seem like they’re coming from more than one person at times. I think I’m complex, but I suppose most people are.

First, a little about me. I’m a student at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary in Wake Forest, NC pursuing a degree in International Church Planting. I like school a lot, though not as much as I once did. I really love bright colors. I hope I have the chance to live overseas for an extended period of time. For the very specific purpose of telling people of the hope I have in Jesus Christ and how they can have hope in Him too. One of my favorite things to do is laugh. And sing. Sometimes at the same time. But I strongly dislike karaoke. Except when other people do it. *Sappiness alert* I have an amazing boyfriend who I absolutely love. He loves me too. Even when I think too much about everything. Fall is by far my favorite season. I love coats. I would own one in every color if I could. I love hard. Too hard, maybe. I have no problem standing up for myself. Though I’m more likely to stand up for those I love. I’m a nanny. Which is the coolest job ever. That's it for now.

Thanks for reading. Hopefully I will do this again soon.