Identity

So I thought seriously about starting over with the whole blog thing. Almost everything in my life has changed since I last wrote and it seemed easier to just begin again since I’m pretty sure no one even read my first two.

But here I am, 9 months later….let me fill you in a bit.

I am no longer single, but married to that wonderful boyfriend I mentioned in my very first blog. We’ve actually been married for over 3 months now, which is just crazy.

I am no longer a student, but a teacher funny enough. Of 2 year olds. Scary I know.

I am no longer a Florida resident…for the first time in my life. Now I call North Carolina home.

I realize I only listed 3 changes, but they are most certainly big ones. And with those 3 changes came a plethora of smaller ones, ones that I wasn’t so prepared for.

Since being married I have been thinking of blogging “again”, because in all honesty I’ve had a hard time adjusting to all the change. I think writing everything out will help, though I balk a bit at sharing this with all of cyberspace.

Marriage has been great. I love Jesse so much and know the Lord placed us together. I love going to sleep beside him and waking up to him. I love taking care of our home. I love that it’s our home. But going from fairly independent, goal driven, and self-reliant, to daily sharing and depending and being tied to another person in a very permanent way has been overwhelming to me. I have been faced with the reality that I am far more selfish than I previously thought. Far more prideful. And far more focused on what I want and need than I should be.

The Lord has been gracious in showing me the sin in my heart, but changing these patterns and thought processes is the hard part. What has been most humbling is that marriage is what brought about this realization…when truthfully these patterns have been there for years. Before we were married, so many friends encouraged us to remember marriage is about holiness, not happiness. Didn’t know that truth would become so immediately apparent in my life.

*Disclaimer: I am not saying that independence and being goal driven is sinful, but the motives behind those things can be and finding one’s identity in those character traits, instead of Jesus Christ, most definitely is sinful.

Going from student to working full time (well, I actually work 2 part time jobs) has been challenging. It seems I found my identity far more in my role as student than most anything else. I think I knew that, but thought I was past it. I wasn’t. I’m not. This has proved to be quite possibly the most challenging part of being married.

I have been overwhelmed, frustrated, and dumbfounded by my role as a preschool teacher. Who knew teaching 2 year olds could be so challenging? I certainly did not. And you know what? I hate not being good at it. I am a perfectionist and pride myself in doing whatever I do well. It seems I just happened to always pick things I was naturally good at. Not this time.

Finally, about the state residency change… This seems like no big deal to some, but this signified a huge change in my life. Not only did my name change, but even my license plate seemingly points to the “fact” that I’m not me anymore.  Now before you write this off as a dramatic statement, and believe me I know it is one, just stick with me….

So much recent change has led to a stripping of the identity I held so tightly. I never would have admitted to such a reliance on all of these things, until they were all taken. I had forgotten to WHOM I belong. I had forgotten that being a child of God is the most important part of who I am.

My identity has remained constant since I made a commitment to place Jesus as Lord of my life when I was 8 years old. But I haven’t been acting like His, instead I’ve been treating my life as if it were mine. And it just isn’t.

Marriage didn’t change that. Working full time didn’t change that. My name and state doesn’t dictate this. But in God’s grace, He has allowed me to face all these changes in order to bring me back to Himself.

I am still working on it. Believe me, there are days when the tears flow and the frustration of change is overwhelming. But the Lord is faithful and I’m not alone. He is holding my hand. He has graciously given me a sweet husband who is patient and loving. He has placed us in a small group full of awesome brothers and sisters who pray for and encourage me. And for that, I am so thankful.